Shia LaBeouf

2012-05-01T23:10:30Z

68.41.197.139:

SHIA LABEOUF IS AN ACTUAL CANNIBAL

I was only out for a simple walk in the woods, how it came to this I don’t know. It was getting late, the hiking trails were completely devoid of other human life, and, of course, my phone battery had died so I couldn’t even warn my family that I would be late to dinner. That’s when I saw him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man following me and I immediately thought he looked exactly like Shia LaBeouf. He must have been a good 30 feet away, so I thought nothing of it; until he got down on all fours and began sprinting at me like a wild animal.

The second he started to run I ran too, but he was quickly gaining on me. I had gone down so many different winding trails during the day that I had no sense of direction. I tried finding my car, but just couldn’t figure out which way to go in order to get to it. I turned around to see if he was still behind me and he was. He was almost on top of me, nearly close enough to reach out and grab the back of my shirt. That’s when I noticed there was blood all over his face. My God, there was blood everywhere. Dripping from his mouth, splattered across his forehead, all over his clothes…literally everywhere!

I made my legs move even faster, running for my life. The next time I turned around to look at him he pulled a knife out of his pocket which was also covered in blood. His close proximity made it possible for me to confirm that he was indeed Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf, but what would he be doing out here? Was he lurking in the shadows of the trees and killing hikers for fun? That’s sure what he seemed to be doing to at that moment. He smirked at me as if he knew he would win, showing me his teeth that had flesh stuck between them. I had heard the rumors, but had dismissed them as untrue. It seemed they were true though; Shia LaBeouf is an actual cannibal.

By the time the sun was down I couldn’t see him any longer. My endurance must have been better than his because I’d lost him. It didn’t matter anyway. I was hopelessly lost with no idea how to get somewhere safe. When I set out for the hike in the morning I had never imaged I would be stranded with a murderer! With no idea what else to do I crept silently through the underbrush, hoping that if I just kept going in the same direction I would eventually find a way out of the woods.

After quite a while of walking I saw a cabin in the distance with a light shining through the window. I finally had some hope! I was overjoyed by the thought that there may be someone in there with a phone who could call the police and end my horrible ordeal. I wanted to sprint towards freedom, but withstood the urge and moved towards it stealthily in case Shia LaBeouf was around. Then SNAP! A bear trap clamped itself onto my leg and I barely managed to stifle the scream that threatened to be let free into the night air. With no idea how else I could possibly live with Shia LaBeouf still out in the woods looking for me, I quietly gnawed off the leg that was caught.

With the help of a stick I found on the ground I limped over to the cottage on my one remaining leg. When I got onto the doorstep I was in for a big surprise: sitting inside was SHIA LABEOUF. His back was to the door as he sat sharpening an axe, so I carefully entered. He didn’t hear me enter, so I snuck up behind him and began strangling superstar Shia LaBeouf. He dropped the axe and I fought with everything in me, I was fighting for my life after all. He pulled the knife out of his pocket again and I quickly wrestled it out of his hands.

Raising the knife I violently stabbed it into his kidney and it was over. I was safe from Shia LaBeouf at last. I limped back out into the dark woods with blood oozing out of what was left of my leg. I may not stand a chance of making it back to my car in this condition, but I won. I have beaten Shia LaBeouf.

MediaWiki - User contributions [en]

Shia LaBeouf