The Great Car Rally

The Great Car Rally is a Transformers storybook. The art is really gorgeous.

Vital statistics

ISBN
Writer: Dwight J. Zimmerman
Illustrators: Earl Norem
Publisher: Marvel Books, Kids Stuff
Published year: 1984, 1985
Pagecount: 36 Glorious Pages of Car Robot Racing Action!!!!!
Major characters: Optimus Prime, Mirage, Bumblebee, Cliffjumper, Megatron, Hound, Spike Witwicky, Sparkplug, Ratchet, Huffer, Soundwave, Thundercracker, Rumble

Summary

Megatron drove a car chasing Cutejumper.

This book is crazy. The title page features a group shot of Autobots and Decepticons fighting in space. The Autobots have rocket boots like the Decepticons, for some reason. Still nifty artwork though.

So the story... A bunch of humans set up a race for charity. Actually, no. It's just a regular cross-country race like the Cannonball Run or something. No sick people's hospital bills will be paid. No starving people will get fed. The homeless will not recieve beds to sleep in. It's just your typical 1980's automobile race where, apparently, everybody drives race cars built before 1975 except for the Autobots, whose altmodes seem almost futuristic in comparrison. Oh yeah, and because Megatron doesn't turn into a car, he has to drive an early 1950's Buick/Caddillac/Desoto amalgam. It's wierd, but it was 1984.

Anyways, one day Cliffjumper and Mirage are randomly walking around and notice a billboard advertising a cross-country race. The victor would received a year's supply of oil and gasoline. Forgetting about Energon, the Autobots decide they need this gas and oil and decide to sign up for the race. The Decepticons, of course, desperately wanted that bounty, so they decided to sneak into the race rather than just steal it. Optimus Prime, a paragon of nobility, decides that super-powered giant transforming robots from space do not hold an unfair advantage over the human race participants who probably spent all year long (and all their money) preparing their race cars for the event.

Since the race is split into three heats, Prime decides to assign the best-qualified Autobots to each segment of the race. He also apparently drinks a fifth of 180 proof energon vodka each time he makes an assignment, since his choices for heat contestants gets spottier as he calls them off...

"This race has three parts -- or heats. A different car runs in each part," says Optimus Prime.

A beautiful illustration shows Optimus Prime and three Autobots looking at a giant paper map on a table, because Teletran-1 is seemingly offline. The first heat runs along a coastal highway full of twisty turns, and passes a couple of friendly-looking whales.

"Mirage, you take the first heat, because you drive best on winding roads." Glug glug glug...

The race route is marked in a dotted line like one of Jeffy's crazy paths from Family Circus. The second heat of the race zigzags amidst craggy mountains. Optimus Prime decides to pick a racerbot not on the strength of their racing ability, but because they happen to "like" mountains. Note: the race course is not off-road at all, just normal paved highway.

"Hound, you like the mountains,so you take the second heat." Glug glug glug...

The final bit of race is pretty much a total straight line with one angular turn halfway through the desert, where you pass three ginormous cacti, before crossing the finish line. At this point in his speech, Optimus Prime is either totally hammered on energon vodka, or he's one of Megatron's evil clones from the episode, "A Prime Problem".

"Blow-Out, the last heat is yours because we need someone fast for the finish! Now let's go to the racetrack!" says Optimus Prime. "And remember, watch out for Decepticons!"

"Blow-Out" could not be reached for comment, nor could any pictures of him be found. Assumably, Prime was referring to Cliffjumper who was pictured reading the map, and also eventually performs the final segment of the race. I'm sure the writers of the book didn't goof up the names at all, though, because Cliffjumper was correctly referred to by name at the top of the very same page. Drunken Optimus or evil clone Optimus are the only possible solutions to this conundrum! It should also be noted that Optimus Prime would need to be drunk out of his mind in order to trust a puny minibot like Cliffjumper to a race segment that would be a breeze for somebody like Jazz, Wheeljack, Sideswipe, or any number of the other more race-apt Autobot cars.

Anyways, I won't bore you with all the details. Spike and Sparkplug watch the race begin. Mirage races quite a ways, does a great job, and gets attacked by Skywarp. Without even needing to shift to robot mode, Mirage's tailpipe (he calls it an "electro-disruptor") shoots a pink lightning bolt that crashes Skywarp into the ocean. Oh yeah, and Mirage finishes his heat in last place. Seriously.

Hound thinks he's got the race in the bag, despite not being a race vehicle whatsoever. Rumble (he's red, so it may be another typo, and they meant Frenzy), way up ahead, decides to hassle Hound (and probably kill a bunch of flesh-creatures) by seismically destroying a small bridge in the mountains. Somehow, Huffer anticipated this exact ambush, and waited for Rumble to do this (although he didn't try to stop Rumble beforehand). Magically, Huffer multiplies himself into seven super-fast Huffers (plural) and repairs the bridge before a whole slew of racecars can careen off the cliff and explode in bloody fireballs in the chasm below. Remember, kids, Huffer is one of the most powerful Autobots ever!!!

Just as Hound ends his segment, Thundercracker swoops down and blows the ever-loving crap out of the jeep, exploding him into thousands of pieces! PWN'D!!!!!

Ratchet makes jokes at Hound's expense while putting him back together. There's a rather nice picture of robot-mode Hound, missing arms and a leg, being reassembled by Ratchet. The art in this book kicks ass.

Cliffjumper has a pretty easy time driving through the mostly-straight desert highway until he needs to pass the leading car, a big black Buick/Cadillac/Desoto amalgam... ...which just happens to be driven by smiling, black-helmet-wearing MEGATRON!!! Opening the entire roof of the car, Megatron shoots his fusion cannon at Cliffjumper, whose car mode gains big blue eyes for headlights as the fear grips him!

Meanwhile, Optimus Prime is using that cool telescope eye thingee that Hod Rod used in the movie to scope out the hole in the Autobot shuttle. And just like Hot Rod, Prime can see Megatron causing trouble! Bumblebee, meanwhile, just stands around acting like a panic-ridden dunce. Optimus Prime does not worry, he pulls out a big telephone pole as though it were a blade of grass!!!

Optimus Prime makes a baseball reference as he homerun-swings the telephone pole against Megatron's car, sending the car flying into the horizon, Team Rocket style. Cliffjumper, still sporting eyes, bends his front bumper into a grin of approval. Then he crosses the finish line, his headlight eyes emoting joy as he wins first place.

At the end, Spike, Sparkplug, Cliffjumper, and Optimus Prime pose for a celebratory photo. Bumblebee, who didn't do anything, gets into the picture to share in the glory, while Hound and Mirage are utterly forgotten. And yeah, Optimus smiles a big smile of sheer crazy joy. But he didn't have a mouthplate anywhere else in the book either, so whaddya expect?

The final page shows the two faction symbols, with their respective names underneath. THE END.

Everybody smiled, even Optimus Prime.

From Teletraan I: The Transformers Wiki, a Wikia wiki.